For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
You are heading for divorce.
You might be right but you’re not really helping. I’m trying to fix things and specifically avoid divorce.
I completely agree with your stance.
However if your spouse has not figured you out by now and how you use things that’s a pretty major red flag.
Keep it under tight control and communicate better other wise something small like this will snowball to it’s eventual end.
I’ve seen it happen too many times.
If you’re trying to fix things, tell your spouse that you appreciate the sentiment (assuming you even do) and talk it out. My guess is that you instead got disputatious and made it clear that you actually didn’t appreciate the effort, that what you have already is More Than Good Enough, Thank You, which put your spouse on their heels and hurt their feelings.
Of course this is just a guess on my part, but that’s the vibe I got. As another said, you definitely sound like you’re on the spectrum and need to keep that in mind when dealing with other people. You may not see the world in the same way as they do.
WTF M8? This isn’t Reddit.
We all make mistakes in our relationships. Hell, I’ve wildly miscalculated similar to the OPs spouse before, thinking “yeah, technically it breaks the rules, but this time is different (and she won’t care) because LOOK at how shiny and cool the new thingy is, just look at all the features, plus it’s BIFL, and there’s no way she’s NOT gonna love it forever!!”.
In my case, my own excitement about the new thing completely overrode a previously set boundary, because I have a weird brain that has a tendency to latch on and hyperfocus on one aspect of a thing – sometimes to an irrational extent – which can cause detriment to all the other aspects of that thing. This is especially true when it comes to a complex social routine like gift-giving.
It’s not my fault I have that tendency as part of my default neural circuitry, but it is my responsibility to recognize this tendency, own the missteps, and mitigate the damage to the fullest extent possible.