My favorite part of peeing is that you can’t spell penis without pee. Too bad that moron up in heaven didn’t name it a cumnis though, that would’ve been even better.

I used to peel all my croissants and store them in my walls as insulation then wrap the peels around real insulation and sell them at a local church bake sale. Man those old Christians love eating insulation wrapped in a thin layer of bread.

The pre 9/11 world was truly a different place. I used to cross the border into the states as a 15 year old to go to concerts with nothing but an old red and white Canadian health card that didn’t even have a picture on it.

I tried to explain to my 23 year old grandson’s co-worker that we used to have to jack off to magazines and he had no idea what the word magazine meant. What a sad little wanker.

An introduction to cat dick by senior meow meow is one of the most ridiculous books I’ve never read because it doesn’t exist

Almost as wild as that time I got high and watched old family guy episodes that I haven’t seen in like 20 years

I was at the restaurant when I learned of a Tailor who makes shoes out of raisins instead of leather and I got so excited I ran out on my bill and drove as fast as I could to the Tailor to get my hands on some of those sweet raisin shoes. When I got there he had several live mice in a bowl of ice all jamming out to rat in a cage by smashing pumpkins and then suddenly they erupted in laughter and ate my brand new raisin shoes. The tailor then charged me 1800$ for the shoes and refused to validate my parking so I got a 500$ fine. So I went home to my wife and told her we have to sell her car because the ice mice ate the raisin shoes I paid for and we can’t afford her car payments anymore. She stared me right in the eyes and immediately pounced on me and we made the most passionate love we’d ever made. It absolutely saved our marriage and with our new found passion we started a couple’s only fans and made 5200$ in our first month.

After making enough money to buy her a new car she left me for a woman who dresses as Bozo the clown for a living. Every now and then we have a three-way but I just really really want a pair of raisin shoes.

My favorite thing about the dude who jacks me off is that he’s me

Uh oh now everyone’s going to know I use pube straightener before laying my penile eggs in them.

Way to rain on my parade. Tabarnac, you just ruined my entire life.

If you’re a rabbit go nuts and bang other rabbits but if you’re a human person no no no we don’t fuck animals

AI gonna go on unemployment and take all the benefits from the rest of us

The best thing to do before your wedding is to go camping and bang like rabbits. You know what they say, jizz tents makes the heart grow fonder.

This is me after a night of drinking dayquil and NyQuil while surfing the web using a skamtebord instead of a computer.

My nanobot daddy built me a pet robot that runs on wombat cum but I accidentally filled it with Wallaby cum instead so it got angry and showed me a forbidden video from the jungle of an elephant jerking off a few Bonobos with it’s trunk.

It’s talking about pussy right? Right?

Steak and cheese

I said something about my jerboa app gonna stop working soon because of dumb Android API rules and no one at my Mennonite furniture store knew what the fuck I was talking about

The boner pill industry approves

My ex husband showed me this trick years ago. I still miss him but we had to separate because his gynecologist convinced me to drink 8 gallons of knob softener and caused a sexual catastrophe. Now I sit around playing dragon quest 4 with earplugs and a blindfold on every Wednesday night in his honor.