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I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong, but I’d be concerned about the power dynamics involved with such an age gap.
I’m not going to say anything or conspire against them, but it does give me the ick.
As long as both of them getting a good deal out of it, sure. Honestly a 25yo is still pretty easy to take advantage of.
And I kinda agree with the saying: there is a reason why the older one isn’t with their age group. Those know better.It’s legally fine. The 25 year old doesn’t know better. I’ll judge the heck out of the 46 year old.
Meh, go have fun.
mostly nothing
When I was 25, I would have said “of course it’s not a problem, they’re both adults. As long as they’re happy it’s fine.” and that is true, but now that I’m closer to 46 I have some additional caveats around “as long as they’re happy”.
You know how in order to really develop a skill, you have to do it for a long time? I think relationships are like that. If I were to compare it to chess, this scenario is kind of like someone who’s been playing chess competitively for 20 years playing against someone playing their first major tournament. It doesn’t mean that the more experienced player is guaranteed to win, or even that they’re better at chess, but it does confer some advantage because playing in a tournament is very different from playing chess casually or in clubs. There’s money at stake, your reputation is on the line, people may be watching you play and commentating in real time. It’s just a different activity altogether, even though it is still technically “just playing chess”. It really helps to get a few tournaments under your belt to get comfortable with the nerves, the additional tournament rules, publicly making a really stupid error, etc. If it’s your first time you might make some rookie errors. That’s part of being a rookie.
Where the analogy breaks down is that with chess, there is a brief competition with clear rules and referees, and there is (almost) always a clear outcome: win, lose, or draw. With relationships, A) it’s supposed to be cooperative, not a competition, and B) if your relationship partner is skilled at manipulation, you could be in a losing position for a long time and not know it, because you haven’t had the time to develop the skills necessary to identify what a dysfunctional adult relationship looks like.
This doesn’t mean that a relationship with a small age gap can’t be toxic, or that relationships with a large age gap can’t be healthy and happy.
But
I have observed a pattern of older people (usually, but not exclusively, men) who serially date young adults because those young people don’t recognize the signs of a toxic relationship. These are rookie errors, and there is no shame in them. Everyone that does anything new has a rookie period, and this includes adult relationships. These older people take advantage of that naivete instead of working on themselves to become the kind of partner that people want to stay with after really getting to know them. As soon as these young partners begin to understand these problems and challenge them, they end the relationship and trade them out for a younger model. You can be unhappy in a toxic relationship for a long time and be unable to identify why you are so unhappy, because they know the tricks. Undercut your partner’s relationships with their other friends or family, accuse them of not being smart enough or loving enough or patient enough, make them financially dependent on you. There are a lot of tricks, and people refine their techniques with each partner. And when you’ve just started having adult relationships, you are at a serious disadvantage if you wind up in a relationship like this because you just haven’t lived long enough to see firsthand how this kind of thing plays out.
It’s not that there’s anything intrinsically wrong with it, but it does ping my danger radar. My danger radar sometimes gets false readings, but I still pay attention to it.
This is an excellent take and lines up pretty strongly with my personal experience.
None of my fucking business.
People on reddit and lemmy have weird ideas about relationships ought to be.
Provided that both people are adults then age in itself isn’t a problem.
I mean, if a 25 year old has several 50 year old “boyfriends” who each give her a stack of pocket money each month and pay her rent and everything, more power to her right?
The problems arise from a power imbalance. If an older guy has manipulated a younger woman into getting trapped in a shit relationship then that sucks but its not the age that’s the problem.
I largely agree that it’s not the age that’s the problem.
The thing is that the age is a useful proxy for all sorts of things that might lead to such power imbalances.
Including:
- emotional/mental maturity
- life experiences to avoid such imbalances
- financial stability and well being
It isn’t absolute, and context matters, but it is a useful proxy.
Forgive me but, describing age as “a useful proxy” just sounds like shitty behavior to me. I’m not trying to say you’re a shitty person, just that your comment seems to be sane-washing prejudism.
FWIW I agree. A 50 year old guy “dating” a 25 year old woman has an increased likelihood that a power imbalance exists. However, it’s still profiling and prejudiced and a generalisation.
For example, domestic violence may be more prevalent among indigenous communities, but suggesting that indigenous status is “a useful proxy” for a determination that domestic violence is more likely is obviously inappropriate.
FWIW I agree. A 50 year old guy “dating” a 25 year old woman has an increased likelihood that a power imbalance exists. However, it’s still profiling and prejudiced and a generalization.
It’s not prejudiced at all. a key component of something be a prejudice is that it is unfair, or is somehow unreasonable, etc, and that it is not based in fact. As you yourself noted, there is significant reason to believe such a large age gap may prove to be problematic.
I think the technical term is ‘risk factor’, if you prefer that.
And yes, significant age gaps are significant risk factors for a toxic relationship. it’s not the age itself, necessarily, but it increases the potential for things that are absolutely abusive, and if your doctors know about it, they’re going to be fielding more detailed questions to determine if there’s a problem. And family might be people who have something to say about it as well. That’s not inappropriate.
And it’s not really “profiling” either. That’s an investigative tactic of collection information about a person. profiling becomes problematic with the information is their race (or something to that effect) and their race becomes the justification for extra attention.
Bit weird but none of my business.
I would feel it’s none ofy business what two adults are doing
I can see it being difficult relating to one another but if they can get past that and any judgment society puts on them, it could work.
Am I, or someone I love, the 46 year old, or the 25 year old?
The only time I would care is if the answer to the first question is “yes” or if one of the parties isn’t acting consensually… Otherwise, its not any of my business, as they’re both consenting adults.
If more people worried about themselves, and less about what others are doing, the world would be better off.
Mind ya business, people.
It’s not about the age gap. They’re adults. The same rules apply to any relationship. If nobody’s being manipulated, abused, taken advantage of or harmed, then people need to mind their own business.
