That’s the definition of a piece of shit. They only want to do things if it’s wrong.

Master Yoda?

I doubt the cheaters are ending their relationship over this

OP just wanted to share their fetish but it turned into a discussion about assholes and motherboard firmware

Certain women like asshole confidence. Typically the type to write “I’m a bitch, deal with it” in their bios

They needed to do a report to figure out taking medical care away would cause deaths?

I once accidentally turned on my seat warmer and halfway to work I thought I shit my pants

I like this game.

It wouldn’t be impossible to be a demented, narcissistic, pedo, with incestuous sexual desires and a diaper full of cheeseburgers

It’s the exact sequence that lead to the birth of the joker

It’s human nature to act like you’re in a really bad horror movie when you’re crunched for time.

Wake up and spill your glass of water

Put your underwear on backwards and don’t notice until you’re fully dressed

Drop the toothpaste cap down the drain

Need to poop but constipated

Make a mess putting together your smoothie then drop it on the floor when you’re done

Put your shoes on and realize you don’t know where your car keys are

Find them in the freezer beside your dead parakeet you plan on burying later

Drop the keys locking your front door

Drop the keys unlocking your car

Drop the keys between your seat and centre console, but it’s ok because you have a push to start

Hit every red light

Stuck behind legally blind geriatrics the whole drive

Get out of the car and spill your coffee

Close the door and remember your keys are still in the devil’s crack aka between the seat and centre console

Scrape up your hand reaching into the crack and accidentally wipe blood on your white dress shirt

15 minutes late for work but it’s ok. You remember you were fired last week for being chronically late.

I looked into genetic factors of centurions out of curiousity before and it does largely seem to be nature rather than nurture. Centurions tend to have siblings that are also centurions, both of whom typically have overactive telomerase enzymes. Apparently some type of enzyme that prevents aging of cells. Theoretically, if those same people avoided alcohol and cigs their whole life, they would have lived even longer.

Side note, I creeped your profile a little bit to make sure you would understand my humour, and clearly you did because you sent me the “I want a hot dog now” emoji. And I noticed you responded to someone who said Reanu Keeves was the most creative name they’ve seen and now I’m paranoid

Ya seriously, if you have enough structure to your poop you won’t need to scoop. You can pull them out like when you make a small cut just big enough for 1 wiener in a pack of hot dogs to limit oxidation.

I swear to Oracle that if you make my mouth disappear I will put you on a bus with a speed sensitive explosive

Are you trying to deport me???

It’s pretty easy if you eat all the mushrooms, flowers, and leaves you come across because you’ll either be high, full of energy, or dead and don’t need to deal with this pointless journey we call existence.

Waking up to serve others while we become empty husks, retire, and turn into worm food so that we may complete the cycle of life, fueling the growth of plants and mycelia for the next victim.

Anyways, our princess is in another castle

As someone who seems to have a 36 hour circadian rhythm, my life would be dramatically better if I could pause time to sleep when needed, actually been a dream of mine for about 25 years

If you’re asking to be spitroasted you can probably find some people on craigslist

As if people are proudly displaying participation trophies rather than tossing it out in shame and getting back to training

Are we really still talking about this?? We have Texas we have this we have all those undercooked McDonald’s chicken snack wraps! I can’t believe you’re asking that at a time like this…