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Cake day: July 18th, 2023

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  • The comment left by johannes is spot on. I can relate to a lot of how you describe your mom, but I very much share their mentality on the matter. At some point, you have to own that you are who you are because of your choices. Just because someone/something may have influenced or caused your flaws doesn’t mean you have to lay down and take it forever. If you do, that’s your choice and the blame shifts to you, whether you want to accept it or not.

    It’s hard, but you’ve gotta realize that you have 2 “good” options. Either cut her out of your life and figure out how to be self-sufficient, or keep her in your life, but set boundaries. You cannot expect her to just change on her own, because thats not going to happen. It’s really difficult to set boundaries, but it worked for me and my mom. Granted, I needed to not be living with her or dependent on her to be strong enough to do it. If she is housing you, feeding you, cleaning for you, etc., she has a lot of power over you, and will continue to use that as leverage to get her way. And when she doesn’t have that power over you anymore, she’ll likely focus hard on the emotional power she has over you. You need to focus on getting out of her house so you can stand a chance at successfully setting boundaries.

    Also helped a lot that my brothers helped pave the way. Maybe talk to your brother about starting the practice of setting his own boundaries since he’s more independent. Lean on each other. I would’ve struggled so much more without my brothers, and they are the only ones that truly knew what I was going through since they grew up with the same mom.

    Good luck. It’s going to be a really difficult road, but don’t give up. Once you make it through, I promise life will be so much better, and you’ll be a stronger person for it.