I tried making a Reddit account and it asked me to build karma before I could ask on any of the relevant subs so I’m posting here.
I can personally say that if anything goes up there, it hurts, and not in a good way. It does not feel pleasurable at all. It feels kind of like placing a finger on an open sore and pushing down.
Also, if you’re being examined, they tell you to take deep breaths, as if they know that anything going up is going to be painful. If sex is supposed to be pleasurable and enjoyable, why would doctors tell you to brace for impact, so to speak?
Lastly, women often scream during sex. It’s often said they’re screaming out of pleasure and not pain. But there are a lot of things I find extremely pleasurable, but I don’t scream while I do them.
Is it just one of those things that is painful but we’re conditioned into believing the pain is actually pleasure and I must have inconsistent pain tolerance and I am making a big deal out of this?
You should definitely see a doctor about this because it does sound like a problem.
But,
It’s also possible you just don’t like sex. You might be on the asexual spectrum. Your vagina might be reacting like this because you just don’t want to fuck. Or maybe you’ll fix the medical issue, be able to fuck, and then decide you don’t like it. Nobody can know if that’s gonna happen but you.
Talk to the doctor, figure out what the problem is. But please don’t feel pressured to enjoy sex. If that ain’t you, well it doesn’t have to be. Besides, there’s lots of ways to have a fun naughty time other than penetration.
Your vagina might be reacting like this because you just don’t want to fuck
Yes, arousal does seem to reduce pain, this is just a somewhat insensitive way to put it. Finally someone mentioned asexuality, as opposed to lesbianism, which definitely wouldn’t stop OP from enjoying sex.
Just a heads up to OP: it’s none of our business what arouses you unless you want to discuss it, the “you’re gay” comments are very inappropriate and should be reported. I’m not asking or making conjectures about your sexuality but be aware that lust and pleasure from sex is a normal sensation in most people regardless of gender. Willingness to participate in sex (or masturbation) and the resulting sensation is dependent on the gender of your (imaginary) partner, technique etc. and there are safe ways to experiment. Bodily responses can often be adjusted with therapy: if you’re not satisfied, ask a doctor; for example, feeling overwhelming pain is not healthy and you should stop and look for different techniques or exercise to reduce the adverse reaction.
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Not a woman here but coning from my wife: fuck yes, women enjoy sex and a lot of it. When she comes, she screams every time.
If sexual intercourse isn’t pleasurable for you, or even painful, you may wnat to consult with a physician tonfigurr out what could cause your discomfort or pain, and to try and fix it
Sex is (and should be) awesome and amazing for everyone. I feel you’re missing out on something wonderful and hope that you’ll be able to fix this issue.
Beat wishes!
I’m being serious.
Ok. Some women definitely feel pleasure during penetrative sex. Medical procedures and the physical action of penetrative sex are not the same. Some women enjoy stimulation of the sex organs NOT including penetration. Women are a spectrum, not all will enjoy the same thing.
Yes. I am a woman and really enjoy sex. Less so when I was younger but it is not supposed to hurt, no. Two questions:
What happens when you put in a tampon?
Are you really very aroused before trying penetration?
For me, it hurts at first, but my body builds up lubrication after insertion. He goes gentle and slow for a bit until it feels good for me. I would characterize my pleasure from sex as kind of comparable to my pleasure from eating. In general I love sex. Not every meal is a Michelin star. Sometimes it is, just absolutely amazing and fulfills my every need. Sometimes it’s just reliable and hits the spot real quick, like a peanut butter sandwich. Rarely, something is a bit off, and it’s not that great.
But it’s not normal for me to suffer. I stops hurting, it feels good, and I want it.
Thanks. How do you push yourself past the phase where the pain makes your eyes blur and water? I get to about just over an inch up and that’s when I’ll be yelling to stop, because it hurts too much. And that was with loads of lubrication. I feel like I’m making a big deal out of this when other women seem to just put up with it. Is there anything I can do to increase my pain tolerance down there?
That’s not normal, go see a gynecologist.
It may end up being normal for you, but get a doctor’s perspective - they can rule out dysfunction or identify what’s causing pain and may be able to help.
You may be dealing with vaginismus, which is a condition where the vaginal muscles involuntarily tense up in anticipation of insertion. It can make sex (or any other kinds of insertion, like tampons or pelvic exams) extremely painful, because you’re stretching the tensed muscles the same way a muscle cramp would.
It’s largely considered a psychological condition, because it is typically based on anxiety surrounding the insertion. And that anxiety can quickly become self-perpetuating, as pain from insertion will likely cause future anxiety. Therapy (and practice) can help alleviate that anxiety, which can alleviate the tensed muscles, which alleviates the pain.
I obviously don’t want to try to diagnose you over a simple Reddit comment. But it may be worth looking into, because that much pain during insertion isn’t normal. And it’s possible that previous doctors have simply brushed you off, because many doctors don’t tend to take women’s pain seriously.
That doesn’t happen. Like, it has never hurt that much. You’re going to need to seek treatment for vaginismus.
You’re not “making a big deal” — what’s happening to you is real — is also real that this doesn’t happen to everyone. What you’re feeling is not universal.
Have you tried using a set of medical dilators?
The women that have slept with me seemed to. 🤷♂️
I am pretty sure you shouldn’t be feeling intense pain putting things in a place at least 1 thing was intended to go. Have you talked to a gynecologist about this?
In my experience they do.
Yes, women do very much enjoy sex. Pleasure and pain can be mixed in enjoyable ways during sex, but no, it is not normal to experience pain during sex, nor is it required. You have to be lubricated enough. At the doctor, they will use their own lubricant, but having a stranger examine you is one of the least sexy experiences out there, and they use a somewhat sharp, cold metal instrument to stretch and hold you open beyond what inserting a penis would do. So it is not surprising that it hurts and is uncomfortable. Sticking something inside yourself “cold” with no buildup or sexual desire will have a similar effect. It is not a pocket. Note that
A few things:
Since it appears you have not had sex before and don’t use sex toys very much, you probably still have your hymen intact. This is a membrane that will eventually be torn by inserting something. Sometimes this is a bit painful, sometimes it bleeds, sometimes you don’t even notice. Once that is out of the way, you should be good to go.
Key word being “should”. It is always possible that you have a condition such as vaginismus, which causes unusual pain. If so, there are types of physical therapy that can help or overcome it. Talk to your doctor if you are concerned. Tip: you may want to bring a man with you, even if it is your dad. Vagina stuff is often not taken seriously by doctors. It is dumb but I don’t make the rules, just stating facts.but
Yes. Women do enjoy sex and you should try to make sure you do to. It’s not uncommon for women to not enjoy sex right away for a number of reasons. First something like 75% of women can’t come from penetration alone so you need to get more from yourself or your partner. Second some women don’t reach their sexual peak to around 30 because they need to really understand themselves and unlearn the myths about sex not being pleasurable. So what do you need to do?
First, I would recommend reading / listening to the best / longest running sex and relationship podcast by Dan Savage. It’s a great way to both get comfortable about hearing / thinking about sex is a positive way as well as learn about consent, advocating for pleasure as well as ways to communicate this. It’s kink and sex positive so you might hear about things that are scary or off-putting that some people like around sex but that’s good learning. You might even hear about things you didn’t know you were interested in.
Second you need to become the expert on your own body and pleasure. Your partner shouldn’t have to read your mind because they are focused on their own pleasure and might be as inexperienced as you are. So you need to masterbate and see what you like. Touch everywhere and everything you see what you enjoy. See what thoughts turn you on. If porn seems to give you the ick try female made porn from Erika Lust or some audio erotica from Dipsea. Lots of women and men have problem with mainstream porn point of view and might enjoy a different take on it. Also there are numerous smutty books out that you might enjoy.
You are doing great and have fun.
Trans or cis?
Trans or cis?
This is relevant to the question at hand in absolutely zero way.
Of course it is. Artificial vaginas need dilation 100% of the time.
That’s a question OP will have to ask themselves. Hopefully if they come out as trans masc the community will back the fuck off and allow them to quit engaging in female heterosexual behavior without shaming them back into it and then calling them fake trans for succumbing to the immense, crushing, all-imposing external pressure.
It is not supposed to be painful. If it is, then talk to a health professional.
Do not force yourself to have sex if it is painful! That might give you an aversion to it
If you are not old enough to do that without parents, then see if there is a school nurse, or other services for young people.
FYI: I am a man, but I know that women are supposed to enjoy sex.
I’m a guy, so I can’t truly say first-hand. However…
I know that my current girlfriend (27F) has what I think would be considered " vaginismus ", which is a condition where she finds penetrative sex extremely difficult, due to some combination of fear and (at least anticipation of) pain. Basically she has a visceral panic/pain reaction to even the idea of having something inserted into her vagina, and that is followed pretty quickly with an emotional follow-up in which she wells up and feels abnormal and generally bad about herself.
To be honest I haven’t had a ton of sexual partners, and this was not even something that I was aware existed before starting my relationship with her. She has even gone so far as to tell me that it’s OK if I want to find someone else to have sex with if it’s something that I need, but I don’t feel good about that and I feel that she’s only saying it because she is worrying about me having my needs met… She does masturbate and uses a vibrator to do it in a “shallow” way. She has considered herself asexual at times, which I fully respect, but I also think may be something of a coping mechanism, considering her problem goes beyond sex and into other parts of her relationship with her own body, for example visiting an gynecologist or even just putting a tampon in!
Personally, I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this concept, and even though we’ve talked about it at length I’m not 100% sure whether this is a manifestation of physical pain, or psychological phobia, or both.
I want to be understanding to her and we’re working through it together, but it is difficult for both of us to navigate on an emotional level. I should add that we’re both kinky, and so we have other ways of enjoying “sex” with each other that are not penetrative vaginal sex, and that she is starting therapy for this condition. I really love and care about her, and I want to support her and give her the time and space she needs to figure this stuff out. I’ve done some reading into it, naturally, but as a guy it feels basically unknowable to me!
She’s generally a functional adult but maybe somewhat autistic, and her feelings from this range from embarrassment and shame to pain and self-hatred… so she isn’t always the best at putting her precise words to her feelings. I have asked her if she has had a history of sexual abuse or trauma, and she said “no”. To be honest, she has had some strange ideas about men and sex in the past, referring to sex as “inherently violent” and likening the penis to a “stabbing” weapon. She has had a history of dabbling in lesbianism and is well-educated in various waves of feminism, and hasn’t ever had a boyfriend before me. My understanding is that she has had this mental/physical block for her whole life, even to the point of getting extremely anxious and passing out in sex ed class, or something along those lines.
So, that’s a long way of saying, “no, not all women enjoy sex”, in my experience. 😔
I honestly wish I could say it was somehow my fault–like, I wish it was just because I am terrible at sex. 😂 Because that would make it so much simpler… My girlfriend is a sweet and loving person, and it really makes me sad to think that she has such a deeply painful and antagonistic relationship with her own body and sexuality. It really makes me sad to know that she can’t even put a tampon in without having an intense emotional reaction.
I imagine that she’s not alone in this either, and that there are women all over the world who share this experience, even though it’s not something that’s commonly talked about. I don’t know if your experience is similar or not, but if it is, then please know that you’ve not alone!
Anyway, sorry for the long rambling comment, but I guess I’ve been looking for an outlet to talk about this stuff…
I made a snarky comment but after reading the body I realize you’re a female OP.
Go see a doctor. Yes women do enjoy sex and if it’s painful or uncomfortable you might need to get something checked out.
I have, hence the examination mention. There’s something that still confuses me, though. If sex is supposed to be pleasurable, why is it when you’re being examined down there by a doctor, they’ll tell you to take deep breaths, as if to say “brace for impact/expect pain”?
There are two parts to this. For starters, sex without arousal is also painful. During arousal, you secrete lubricants, the vaginal cavity expands as blood flows to it, and your body dampens pain reception across the entire body. Most people are not aroused by medical examinations and given your examples for experiences I’d say you’re definitely not getting hot and bothered by it. So the difference is eating a candy that you’re excited for compared to eating plain bread with a dry mouth.
Second is that your doc may be aware of your issue and forewarning you so you’re prepared. Given the way you talk about it, I’d imagine you’re probably on the younger side. If you’re getting your first few exams, or have been direct about your experiences so far then it’s likely they’re playing it safe for your comfort.
Lastly, talk to your Doctor about this issue, here are some examples so you know the verbage. I’m a guy but I do have second hand experience. I long distanced a gal who had surgery for microperforate hymen before we met and was incredibly scared of penetration in any way. It didn’t work out for other reasons, but we had a lot of fun building her confidence and other interests. The mother of my child had a partial transverse vaginal septum, it led to a sharp and buring pain at the entrance during penetration outside of a specific angle. This was “solved” during child birth when the doc had to snip her to allow the baby to come out. After getting stitched back correctly (no husband stitches here) she ended up having quite the sexual awakening. Lastly, my now spouse had a rotated womb which lead to abdominal pain during arousal as it pinched the womb. This was remedied.by a full hysterectomy for unrelated purposes.
Point being, there’s a lot of variables in the area and it would do good to read up on some of the issues, do some self exploration to get a good handle on what your symptoms are, and them talk to your Doctor about it.
Medicine traditionally does not consider the pain of women or children to be worthy of consideration. They only started using anesthesia on infants in the 1980s, as doctors had convinced themselves that infants couldn’t feel pain, for some reason.
Full disclosure: am a guy.
Holding your breath allows you to tense up and clench more than you can while breathing. Taking a deep breath eliminates some “tensing” muscles from the equation. Still, with some effort (or anxiety, probably) you can still clench up while breathing.
If the docor said “this is going to feel good” that would be a lot weirder
Because you’re not usually sexually aroused at the doctor’s office.
Because it’s not sex, so you’re not excited, blood flow hasn’t increased, natural lubrication hasn’t increased, muscles haven’t relaxed naturally.
Sex is very different from physical examination at a doctor’s office. A doctor may need to do things that you wouldn’t do for pleasure but are still important for checking on your health. Some of the things they may need to do may be uncomfortable/painful for some people with vaginas. It’s also a psychological thing: pleasure during sex/masturbation has a fairly significant psychological component. It’s rarely the case that anyone automatically enjoys any interaction with their genitals (male or female genitals, actually). It’s very context dependent and dependent on one’s frame of mind. Most people are not going into doctor’s appointments with any desire or expectation for pleasure, so the experience is just very different from the get go.
Another possible reason for asking you to take a deep breath is that deep breathing can relax muscles and the mind, which can be helpful during an examination.
I would imagine if you visit their office because of pain, a part of their reason and response to you is to brace for the discomfort that you’re there for.
Several reasons. One, they’re sticking a metal thing in there, and that can be painful, especially if they don’t use enough lube. I remind them to use a lot. :) Two, you may be having a lot of anxiety and tightening up all your muscles (I know I do!) so that makes it harder for them to insert the thing–hence, they tell you to take breaths and try to relax. Also, I always try to go to a woman gynecologist. I’m more comfortable with someone who knows what it’s like and they’re usually much nicer, so that helps.
The expectation of pain is a huge factor for my partner, she has to be TOTALLY RELAXED to enjoy anything.
And this developed after us being together for like 10 years. We had super fun, impromptu sex whenever, and then that started to go away.
Point is, expectations of pain can make sex painful. So OP has a hill to climb to get to easy, comfortable sex.
I am appalled that no one has brought this up so far- but it hurts because they are touching the cervix, which generally doesn’t get touched, and can be very painful to hit. The speculum they are inserting is designed to slightly open the cervix for the examination.
OP, there are many sizes of vagina. You may have one that’s on the smaller side, with a low pelvic floor. My partner is the same way, and penetration can be painful for them. We have switched to using very small toys or focusing on clitoral stimulation to get them off instead of relying on penetration.
If your doctor clears you, you may just have a low pelvic floor, and may not like penetrative sex. Which is fine! It’s just good to know about yourself.
Don’t be appalled. I doubt many people know about this stuff as much as you do. I’m more appalled by the lack of women here confirming that women enjoy sex. But I assume that’s because most women are currently having sex instead of talking to nerds on the Internet.
I probably have vaginismus and my experience with penetration is pretty similar to yours.
Cis women do enjoy and even seek out vaginal penetrative sex, I eventually realized. Part of how I figured out I was different was reading a thread of all the weird stuff women inserted while masturbating. I was suddenly like: “Oh! They must really want something up there! Look at the stupid, dangerous stuff they’re doing to experience that!”
There are things you can do medically if you genuinely want that kind of sex, but it’s useful to remember that sex isn’t just penetration. You literally never have to be penetrated to have enjoyable sex. It can be tough to find a partner, since PIV is the end goal of sex for lots of people (as is their perogative), but the world is also full of other types of people.
As for vocalization, the “oh fuck” (doc, it’s like sandpaper ripping me in half) and “oh fuck” (I’m having an overwhelming but positive physical sensation) are pretty different kinds of yells, and generally sound pretty different. Like people don’t cry just out of sadness, you know?
Op, look into this. Vaginismus defines your symptoms. I was with a woman who had it. It affects like 5% of women, and it makes (penetrative) sex feel painful and unpleasant.
We found other ways to be intimate. Id go down on her for hours. We’d masturbate together and bring toys. We even went to sex clubs and explored other ways to get off.
To add to this, vaginismus can be as much phycological as it is medical. Having bad/painful experiences with piv sex can cause a ‘feedback loop’ making things worse. There’s also some medication that can interfere with ‘wetness’, for a lack of a better word. Lube is a godsend and can help alleviate initial pain allowing you to relax, and may be enough to start building up positive mental associations with penetrative sex. But most of all, do seek medical advice, it’s not supposed to hurt.
Also, you can ask for a smaller speculum when going for a pap smear, - I didn’t know that and had a horrid experience that stopped me going for my next one for nearly a decade. (I’m better at self advocating these days)
