My knife collection began because I was suicidal.
To keep myself around I got a bunch of knives so I wouldn’t pick a favorite and “dissapoint” the others.
…I got better.
Out of all the reasons/sotires I have heard about why people didnt kill themselves this is by far the most absurd.
You know, that is one of the most creative safety solutions I have heard. Glad you came up with it (probably due to still wanting to fight). The fight never stops, hope you are still doing well.
I have my moments, just like everyone else, but I have more good ones than bad ones. I do have a genuine love for knives though now, and still don’t have a favorite.
I keep seeing videos of a guy who buys TSA confiscated knives by weight & laughs at them for sucking, and I laugh harder because my angsty teenage self collected a lot of them back in the day.
I love this so much, is it that you have a lot of empathy?
Yep – It’s a gift & a curse.
I find it super easy to put myself in other people’s shoes and see what they’re going through, but I have a hard time expressing my own feelings. It’s turned me into a bit of a loner, but I do have a small circle of people I know & trust that I can be myself with.
I hear ya. I’m participating in a hiring panel and finding it really tough to reject candidates, especially when they’re nice. I just feel so much for them.
Hard not to start building a tough shell, take care of yourself
Suppose I have it similar, don’t remember when exactly I got into knives but was depressed since 14 so it correlates.
When I was a kid I told a Special Ed teacher who I trusted that one of the gym teachers was having sex with high school students and grooming girls as young as 14.
Rather than report this to the authorities he told the gym teacher what was said. The next day the gym teacher (who was a big former semi-pro football player or something like that) cornered me and intimidated me into shutting my mouth.
2 years later a former student confronted the gym teacher’s wife. In the fallout his behavior came to light and he left our school and went to teach a few towns over. The Special Ed teacher joked about it after the fact.
It was probably 20 years before I fully understood the scope of how disgusting that situation was.
Big props for you trying to get people involved though, most obviously did nothing.
When I was younger, I believed that if a woman was raped, it was her fault for what she was wearing. My highschool friends called me the most unempathetic person they’d ever met and I was proud of that.
Thankfully I’ve turned right around on all that and learned empathy. I’m ashamed for my younger self, but I know they were just doing the best they could with the very few tools they were given.
I am in the same situation. “When I was a child I was the most unhinged asshole I know” is extremly common in this community and I have no clue why.
just a guess, but it could be because kids are dumb and we were all kids once trying to figure out the world with no experience. And then on top of that we tend to remember the cringe moments about ourselves even though those moments were likely an after thought to those around us.
Also, just guessing, there was a crappy role model or two.
I realized I was trans in middle school, i said something suicidal to my friend and he told on me. I never really talked to the therapists because my mom was very homophobic. I got put on antidepressants and suppressed my feelings so hard I can hardly remember my childhood.
5 years later my depression went into “full remission” couple of months before I came out. I then 180°d and got sent to the psych ward for suicide ideation this February.The only thing that stopped me from killing myself is the realization that my cat would be rubbing against my body for pets in the ~10 hours it would take for my family to find me. I was planning to buy a knife after work but broke down in the bathroom.
I’m glad you stayed.
I’m glad you’re still here.
Every time I have ever gotten to that point (not for at least 6 years now), it’s been my pets that immediately pulled me back. When I lived alone, I left myself sticky notes in places I would see when I needed them that said things like “your pets love you unconditionally” and “you’re Maya’s (my dog at the time. She’s died of old age at 15 since then) whole world”
In a religious church/school I attended, we had a “revival” week in which kids took to destroying their “secular” CDs, etc. It became sort of a game of oneupmanship mixed with a dash of Satanic Panic. You could brag in chapel about it and get kudos, look good in front of everyone. One pre-teen/young teenage girl went home and put her Ouija board in a tub of gasoline and lit it. She barely survived, spent months in the hospital, and was never the same, obviously. The adults then comforted themselves by telling everyone that she had seen red eyes in the flames. It was for the best, you see, the Ouija board did indeed have a demon inside. After, she got really into Marilyn Manson, wearing all black, etc. so they cast her as the evil kid to feel even better, I guess.
The end.
Did I do it right? Did I do good?
That’s insane!
I intentionally make up horrors and monsters to lurk in the shadows or under my bed. Sometimes when I can’t fall asleep, I stare at a corner of the room, imagining some unsettling creature that could be lurking there, staring back at me (if it has eyes at all). I imagine something reaching up to grab the leg I’m stick out over the edge.
But they can’t actually get me. They’re created, sustained and dispelled by my will. They may stare at me, reach for me, but they’re powerless. When I’m done with them, I send them back to the half-existence in the collection of ideas I built them from.
It’s a cruel power fantasy, to make up monsters incapable of understanding that they’re the lesser horror between us, but it’s fun.
It also seems to help me sleep, but that might just be the fact that focusing my brain on one thing quiets all the background noise.
Similarly, the lines painted at the bottom of the pool became sharks when I jumped off the diving board as a child.
I never once really thought that sharks had somehow been smuggled into a shit little public pool, but that hammer head was real as hell until I’d crawled my way to the exit ladder.
youre fucked if a tulpa materializes!
Kinda fucked up, tbh. But I’m really impressed cuz I probably wouldn’t have the guts to do this
Covid probably saved my life.
I got bullied for about 5-6 years in school which ultimatively led to me just wanting to kill myself. Luckily for me the lockdown came so I got freed from the nightmare called school. My will to live devinetively improved, when not getting bullied the whole time you are sitting in class. However, when being in the lockdown I devinetively didnt process my feelings and thoughts about how I wanted to end myself. This led to me having almost a fill scale emotional breakdown mid class when school started, since we have been reading a play where someone killed himself and therefore learned stuff about the whole topic of suicide/mental health. Suddenly you realise, that all this shit kind of sounds very familiar for you which was quite overwhelming, but you can’t let anyone see whats happening because that shit devinetively is going to get you bullied again. I never talked to a therapist about this and at this point it isn’t needed, since I just went on and processed that time of my life for myself. I also kind of realised some time ago, that I also never told my family about this, but it isn’t really relevant anymore and us just going to cause feelings of guilt in them for not acting.
Therapy might still be a good idea in the future, trauma can show up in quite unexpected forms.
I’m really glad you’re doing better!
Seconding this. I thought I was fine once I made it through college without therapy. Ha! All the shit I’d just bottled up for years was still sitting there, packed nicely in its little bottle, waiting to explode.
Ended up going through a couple years worth of therapy in my late 20s / early 30s
I also have mental health problems, not as bad as what you describe here, though.
I used to find myself stuck at home spending my time staring at the wall because I just can’t leave the house. Having lockdowns during covid made me feel normal for a change. I was just like everyone else, stuck at home.
I’m glad you’re better now, but like the other commenter said: This trauma can come back in unexpected ways and it’d be a good idea to prepare yourself for when that happens.
Just to make this clear. I have completely dealt with all the shit I went through during that time and I have completely processed everything. I have accepted it as a part of my history and I Am completely fine with it. Theres nothing left to talk about in order to learn something about myself that I dont already know. I seriously dont see a single point where this is ever going to cause any problems in my future life.
You don’t know that, you most likely pushed it down and covered it up, because that’s what people with trauma do. That’s not processing it. The scary part isn’t what you can imagine / see causing the problems, it’s what you can’t imagine.
But at the end of the day it’s your life, do what you want
I devinetively didnt suppressed it. I did in fact thought quite a lot about it and also talked about it with people. The process of me processing that time also wasn’t something that was a week or so, but it did in fact took quite some time.
“People” doesn’t mean a mental health proffessional. But again, you do you.
I was witness to a very gorey and fatal lathe accident. It was bad enough that they shut the shop down for a month and paid for some therapy.
Jesus fuck that sounds bad… sorry about that.
That shop took a lot of shortcuts on safety. I had to pull a dude out of a mill to prevent a 2" drill going into his head because he tripped into it. Never again will I standby as I put my own hands at risk for efficiency over safety.
A while back, a friend of a friend of mine, all of us ended up together at some nerd type convention…
He’d beeen degloved.
But, miraculously, they surgeons and doctors had managed to … put the glove back on… and while he did have problems with certain motions and sensations… his hand pretty much worked normally, and I didn’t even see anything out of the ordinary wrong with his hand for hours… it just came up in conversation that that jad happened to him, and I was shocked.
Yeah I didn’t see it happen, but just thinking about industrial accidents… fucking oof.
Yeah, safety rules are written in blood, they’re there for a reason.
I’ve got PTSD for… non industrial accident reasons, but I absolutely sympathize with having to see something that horrific first hand.
RIP to the departed.
My lungs are 21 years older than I am. My new lungs were put in using a clamshell incision and arching my back… don’t look it up if you’re squeamish, it’s pretty scary looking
So if I undetstand the images I found correctly: They basically reloaded your lungs like a break action shotgun?
I’ve seen them, I worked in a CF clinic before. Yikes. Do they work?
So like a reverse blood eagle?
When I was a kid I had a hypothesis that autistic people simply lacked souls and that that explained their symptoms. (I don’t think this anymore)
For what it’s worth, I got a solid laugh out of this. My partner is autistic, and I’m 100% telling them that it’s because they don’t have a soul.
Hey my lack of soul is because i’m a fuckin redhead, not because i’m ASD
My parents made me way too casual of a liar…
Okay it might have been my fault
I underwent a total dickectomy
Technical term is a loppitoffamy
“Gotcha fam!” Chops off your dick
If that was voluntary, great job!
It was, totally intentional lol
When i was young, a family friend abused me and beat me up until my face was purple, he was an adult. i went to school the next day and they thought i was abused by my family but it was this guy instead, so they made me go home. Years later, this family friend’s restraining order wore off, so i pretended to be nice to him.
His brother was an alcoholic and the brothers did not get along very well, i also found out his brother was very very sick and was likely to die soon. The brother HATED my abuser’s dog, so while he was super drunk, i talked to him about that. And used some subtle suggestions to convince him to kill his brother’s dog. His brother then beat the crap out of his own brother who later died. Thus covering up any evidence that i was simply accomplishing revenge against him.
And yes, i do deeply regret using the dog for this. I probably could have done something else instead. But after that, my former abuser always seemed to be scared of and creeped out by me. I think he may have thought i might have been responsible but he never really had proof, he killed the only proof with his own hands.
Then again, he also not only beat me up he also forced me to walk about 10 miles while he drove nearby and told me not to talk to strangers or he would shoot me and bragged about being divorced from his wife because he almost killed his son. so im not really all that beat up over anything beyond the dog dying. i care about animals, not people. definitely one of the worst things ive done that i deeply regret. aside from the suffering i put my abuser through.
He always seemed to be creeped out and scared of me after that point. But i also learned that indirect violence is far more effective than direct violence. Theres nothing to prove most of the time. I can’t even prove this to everyone here. All i have for proof is the vivid memories that never leave my mind.
I still remember him crying like a little bitch <3 i will never forget it, and i will never not feel good for that.
I was lucky to have survived having gone my first 5 years of life with a heart valve that was back bleeding.
I also cannot tell when I’m having a ear infection unless liquid comes oozing out. I have had some many in my life that they just don’t hurt at all.
I ate my twin in the womb.
Sounds like you did them a favor.
Same! I was left with a small vestigial growth on the side of my pinky that baby me used as a fidget until they cut it off.
After telling a handful of stories to the goblin students I work with, one suggested that my life is so interesting because I have to live two people worth of experiences.
